Always trying to make my life better.
While waiting to clock in at work I wrote down a few things that I'm going to work on this week. Like sticking to a schedule, not staying up too late or sleeping too late. All the advice my therapist gives me that I don't always listen to.
My mom drove me to work today and I got the "Why haven't you/didn't you go to school speech?". It always makes me kind of sad because I know that I could do a whole lot better than I am now if given the opportunity. So I've been thinking a lot about that.
I have been stressing out a bit because my work hours were cut again. Sure, fast food might not be the best idea for someone that isn't always mentally stable. But it was the only job that I could get...and it took a year of looking for a new one to find it. I get a 15 cent raise and told how awesome I am and how hard I work but I only get a half hour more than the guy that they have to have there cause no one else wants to do that job. (The broiler person has to clean out the fryers (ewwwwww) and clean the broiler and all this other crappy shit) So, it bums me out, but I don't dare say anything about it and continue to work my butt off for next to nothing cause I don't really have any other choices.
If it weren't for distractions, I'd be pretty effin' miserable.
I've also had some "mommy envy". I never really thought I wanted kids until I met my boyfriend Jeff. His reply to marrying me was, "If your not going to have my baby why should I marry you". Please note, that on our second date he did tell me that "He is an asshole." He's my asshole, that will defend me to the end. My sister and her husband were married a month after we got together, my sister already a few months pregnant. I was jealous because once again my younger sister was doing everything before me. But after Mimi (Mariah Hope) was born the baby bug started lurking. Thinking babies were adorable was something new...I'd barely even let myself hold a baby because they are so fragile. Or "ooohing" and "aaaahing" about cute baby clothes. Then a coworker of mine announced she was pregnant and all the excitement of a new baby started again. I know that I'm 25 and have a lot of time before I can't have kids. But, I know that at this time Jeff and I can't afford ourselves let alone a baby.
At least there's a few kids in my life. My mom has guardianship over two of my cousin's kids. My cousin is one of those mothers that should have never been a mother at all. It really saddened me to think that she could just have kid after kid and there's people out there that would really love and nurture a child but can't have one.
My mom changed her life and worked her butt off to make life for my sister and I better. I don't know how I'd even be able to top that.